I am feeling a little introspective tonight, so much of my life seems to be in-between things at the moment, it’s almost as if I have been put on pause, and I have no control over when the play button is next pressed.
It applies to my health, I have been on methotrexate (chemotherapy) for over three months now, and prednisone (steroid) for over two, and yet I honestly and unfortunately feel no improvement, if anything things are worse. My hands are wrists have been a little less painful, but only as long as I wear my splints. My hip is now in constant high level pain, which increases the minute I even walk slowly, meaning I have to use the crutches I bought to get anywhere, and the range of movement in that joint is reduced by around 50%. My shoulders ache and it feels as if the bones are rubbing against each other if I move or try to lift anything. I see my rheumatologist on Tuesday, it seems the plan is to add in plaquenil (hydroxychloriquine) alongside the other meds. This too takes up to 3 months to have an effect, so more waiting.
My job is in limbo. Alongside the pain and mobility is the ever present and debilitating fatigue, which means unless/until the medication change works I am unable to return to my job, support my team, and earn a salary.
And lastly of course this applies to my accommodation. I am currently in a “bedsit” as an emergency stop gap until a suitable private let or council property comes up for me & my cats.
I suppose with all of that it’s natural for me to feel unsettled, I checked the definition of limbo, and being fascinated by language was also interested in the etymology:
1. uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.
2. Late Middle English: from the medieval Latin phrase in limbo, from limbus ‘hem, border, limbo’.
It certainly has the meaning I want to convey, the uncertainty and waiting feel very real. But I actually took comfort from the etymological origin, namely the word ‘border’.
Waiting and uncertainty seem uncontrollable and make me feel somewhat anxious, as we often all do through periods of change. However being at the border seems different, somehow more exciting. It suggests new horizons and journeys to come, a future that has yet to be written and so by its very nature is filled with possibility. I can almost feel the horse beneath me as I ride for the border, grinning into the wind!
So be aware limbo, I do not intend to inhabit you for long! Now where did I put my riding boots…..