Things I wish I’d known.. 

Posted on by SingleRheum

What do I wish I had known at diagnosis? This started out as a short response to a seemingly simple question and ended up here, I guess I always figure why use ten words when you can use hundreds!

1. That there is a fantastic, amazing and committed online support community. That these strangers would become my home, my family, my friends. There is an amazing bunch of people out there, living #chroniclife just as I do, and they are all passionate about providing support, information, safe places to chat and vent, and somewhere to go at 3am when the regular world is asleep.

2. That getting the diagnosis is not the end, it’s the beginning. Just after I very first joined a wise RA’er told me that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Three years later I get it.

3. To take all the RA stuff seriously, but learn to laugh at it at the same time. It’s very easy to get bogged down under it all, so spot the funny moments and treasure them, they do help! (Getting stuck in a hotel bath springs to mind!)

4. That everyone’s RA is different. There are similarities within recognised parameters, but you may suffer some things badly and others not at all. That doesn’t make you odd or weird, we all feel this differently
5. That #selfcare is the single most important thing you’ll learn to do. You can’t pour from an empty bucket, so look after you properly, then you can be there for others. Putting even family before yourself is a mistake, I always think of the airplane oxygen rule, you first, children next.

6. That it’s perfectly possible to have even severe RA and live your life with love and joy and hope. You’ll find your way, and there are others who are here to help, always.

7. That it’s OK to scream and rant and rave and be angry too. We all do it, venting is welcome! Letting off steam occasionally is I believe an essential part of processing and accepting your diagnosis

8. That no one can tell you how a medication will work for you. Not your rheumy, not your doctor and not us. Unfortunately RA treatment is trial and error – many people hit their magic med first or second time and probably never join online groups because they don’t need them. Others will have meds fail them over and over, or provoke allergic reactions. The only way to know what will work for you is to try it with your rheumys support and guidance.

9. That you will find your way through this. You’ll learn how your RA behaves, what helps and what doesn’t, when you need to rest and when you need to work through. It’s not a quick or easy process, but I promise you will get there 💙

Reach Out – A Plea 

Posted on by SingleRheum

It’s sadly ten years ago this week I lost my younger sister Mary to suicide. I’ve written this as a plea to anyone who is feeling this low, please reach out, to someone, anyone.  You are not alone. You matter, we all matter. Please make the call that she was sadly unable to.  Namaste 🕉️

UK Samaritans is a free call on 116 123
USA Samaritans is a free call on 1 (800) 273-TALK
Australia Samaritans is a free call on 135 247 

Choosing to be happy… 

Posted on by SingleRheum

I was reading an interesting thread on twitter this morning and it emphasised something I’ve noticed online over the last few weeks. First I’ll give an example – this particular thread had asked the question of disabled people “With optimal support how different would your life be?”

The answers fell into two distinct categories, either “I’d write/study/move house/volunteer” or “I can’t imagine this / I don’t have the energy to think about this”. Now you could say perhaps some of the responders were more physically impaired by their disability, or that they deal with more debilitating symptoms. But having been noticing this for a while now I don’t believe this to be the case.

We can all choose how we think about something. And making that conscious choice has a huge effect on how we subsequently feel. Bear with me here – if you’d have told me this a few short years ago I’d probably have become defensive or angry and felt you were criticising my thought process. It’s only due to some great therapy and a lot of reading that I’ve been able to reach a point in my life where I’m thankfully able to make conscious decisions about what I think.

The impact this has had on me has been so positive. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a cure for my depression and anxiety, I’m still taking my pills and have days where it’s darker. What it has done is given me coping techniques to deal with those days without them turning into months every time.

In simple terms only WE are responsible for what we think. Yes, that inner voice is us too. It’s our head, our thoughts, our responsibility! And we make subconscious choices about what we think, how we react to things, how we will respond. So why not make those choices concious?

Let’s use my Saturday as an example. I woke around 11am, did the usual coffee/bathroom/clothing stuff then went to meet some friends in my local for coffee. I was there for about three hours, sitting down, chatting, crosswording and laughing. Then I went home and crawled into bed, took a double shot of painkillers and didn’t move again for six hours. This is fairly standard. Activity = pain + fatigue.

I could quite justifiably feel angry about this. It’s not fair, other people don’t have to pay for socialising, why can’t my meds work, why did I get this stupid disease, why am I so useless, I’m no good to anyone, my life is crap.

It’s an easy trap to fall into, I know because I’ve been there. But it leads down a very rocky path to anger, self pity, self hatred, and a feeling of total worthlessness. We convince ourselves we have no value. And that’s a self limiting belief, because we withdraw and huddle at home feeling sorry for ourselves, which means we don’t see anyone, which means they all hate us because we’re worthless. It’s a horrible lonely and despairing place to be.

But…! We have the power to change these thoughts. One day at a time, one belief at a time. There’s no magic trick or quick fix, it takes practice, and dedication. Which to be honest are small prices to pay for feeling better about yourself, right?

So Saturday night, laid up in bed. Was I angry, sad, feeling sorry for myself? Nope, not even close. Was I slightly peeved about the pain? You bet, but that’s as far as it went.

  • Rather than being angry I could only stay out for a few hours and then had to suffer I was grateful for the lovely afternoon I’d had catching up with friends
  • Rather than thinking my life is so awful I was thanking the universe for what I had – pain relief, a warm bed, heated blanket.
  • Rather than thinking I was worthless for not spending more time with friends I acknowledged that they love me, and enjoy spending time with me. And I’m very grateful for that gift.

I think the most impactful thing I’ve learned has been to practice self-love and gratitude. Both are simple concepts. Accepting yourself, and loving the unique person you are will be the most important thing you ever do for yourself. And practising gratitude daily is such an easy habit.

Start by listing three things a day. They could be time with friends, a nice lunch, a sunny day. And some days they’ll be bed, sleep, food. But you’ll find you start appreciating the small stuff, and realising it’s really the important stuff. Ever thought about why small children are so delighted by every little thing, so quick to laugh, to smile? They have no learned pattern of negative thoughts, they literally live in the moment.

So next time you’re about to tell the world how dreadful your life is, stop for a moment and watch what you’re thinking. There’s probably a jumble of negative thoughts whirring round all reinforcing your poor opinion of your life. So acknowledge them, and then let them go. Take a minute to think of what’s good about today. Toast, pyjamas, slippers? Great, that’s a start. Aren’t you glad you have them? ☺️

Honestly, give it a try. It is possible to choose to find the joy in your life rather than focus on the pain, and the outcome is you’ll start feeling happier. That’s what I call a win. Namaste 🕉️💙

The Unspoken Death 

Posted on by SingleRheum

Heads up, this post covers suicide and may cause some distress. There are contact details for support agencies at the bottom of this page. Latest figures I could find suggest more than one in ten suicides are related to chronic illness, so this is something we really need to talk more openly about.

Suicide has sadly touched me closely as I lost my beautiful sister Mary to it nearly ten years ago. I miss her every day. But for the first time on my blog the words below are not mine.

An online RA friend posted these words in our private support group this evening, and they are powerful and moving. I have her permission to share, and she has my promise to remain anonymous.

“Today I had to do something that I never dreamed I would. I had to go to a friend’s wake. My friend had other health issues which she was dealing really well with but was diagnosed with RA a couple years ago.

Her RA was progressively getting worse, I had talked to recently and I thought I had convinced her to join our group for support. However she tragically took her own life this week.

She left a note and the main gist was that RA had turned her into a person that she didn’t like anymore. She felt like she was more of a hindrance. She did not want to go into a wheelchair. She did not want to put any pressure on anyone in her family because she felt RA was her problem to deal with. She was ashamed of the condition that her body was in. She was ashamed of the fact that she was always so tired and that she had to cancel family things because she just did not have the energy.

Attending her wake hit me hard. I think of all of us that have RA know about all of the different feelings and emotions that we go through. Everything she mentioned in that letter I have felt at some time. The reason why I brought this to our group is to show that RA is not only a physical disorder, it also affects us mentally.

RA turns your life upside-down, inside-out, and sideways. But for me this is no reason to take your life over this disease. To me that means the disease won.

I’m putting this out to the group so when you get depressed or you’re having a bad day or even having these thoughts please please reach out. Tell someone that you need help because you are in a bad spot emotionally. There will be many people that will help. I was always told when you have a problem and you share it with another person your problem is cut in half.

This is a subject that we all need to talk about. The suicide rate among chronically ill people like us is very high. Let’s not allow that statistic to continue. I can tell you from seeing it right up in my face and also seeing the grief of her children and her husband the damage done by my friend taking her life is worse than having Rheumatoid Disease.

So this has opened my eyes and I’m encouraging us all to reach out and asking people who say they are having a bad day what’s going on, and how you can help. I have been part of this group I think 3 or 4 years now. I have developed friendships with a bunch of you and I truly do care. You guys have become my family.

For those of you that are new or that sit in the background and read the posts, please introduce yourself, talk to us, let us get to know you.

Most importantly if you are having thoughts of committing self-harm or suicide please put it out there. There is always someone always online. I do not want to lose another friend because he or she thought they were all alone and the only way out was to commit suicide.”

Contact details for confidential support:

UK – The Samaritans

US – National Suicide Prevention Line

Canada – The Lifeline provides a list of contact details for individual states, a national helpline is planned for later this year

Australia – Lifeline Crisis Support & Suicide Prevention

#rablogweek 3 – Coping with Depression 

Posted on by SingleRheum

​Coping with depression – How do you manage the inevitable lows of having RA? Do you view RA as being forever or do you look forward to remission? What are the best ways to cope with the depression associated with RA?

I’m choosing a Wednesday Wildcard, simply because this is a subject so close to my head and my  heart. I suffered with depression for a while before RA, but for a few months last year the whole RA ‘package’ sent me spiralling downwards again. 
One doesn’t expect to be pottering through life one minute to have everything torn away from you the next. Over a few short months I lost my health, my mobility, my career, my income, my social life, my home, my identity and my sense of who I was. 

I simply couldn’t see a way forward. I’d worked so hard to build a career and had (as I think many people do) based my sense of self on my job. I was a regional manager, I travelled and project managed, I worked a million hours a week and I was known for being organised and capable. I couldn’t see who I was without this, and worse I couldn’t find any sense of self worth, I’d lost my value. 

Add in new medications, side effects, homelessness, constant pain and incredible fatigue and you can see why things looked black. 

I’ve more than once seen people comment that a chronic illness diagnosis starts the grieving process and it’s so true, you’ve lost your ‘life’, there is no cure, you mourn what you were and focus on what you can no longer do.

You certainly go through the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – but these are not linear and we can find ourselves returning to any one of these stages at any time. 

  • Denial faded quite quickly for me, the sudden plethora of medical appointments and tests don’t allow you to ignore what’s happening 
  • Anger is one many people get stuck at. In the short term anger is useful, it makes you question and plot and plan, but over a longer period is definitely not healthy
  • Bargaining was for me a slightly weird stage, you find yourself praying to any power available, you promise to eat healthier, stop smoking, stop drinking, get more sleep – anything to take the pain away 
  • Depression is very closely linked with RA, and as too many of us know it creeps up on you then settles in 
  • Acceptance is so very important for our mental health, but it’s a hard one to do. It’s taken me some months and some fantastic therapy, but reaching this stage is incredibly freeing 

I view my RA as a lifelong condition, there is no cure and treatment may slow disease progress but it won’t make it go away. So bearing this in mind how do we cope with the depression? 

  • Medication. It’s vital to speak with your GP as soon as you realise depression is with you. Mine is incredibly supportive, and when the antidepressant I’d been on for a couple of years with good results seemed to stop working once I added RA to the mix we discussed this together and changed my medication, it’s made a world of difference 
  • Talking Therapy. I am such a passionate advocate for accessing professional mental health support. I used some NHS provision which was group therapy and a great start,  but I felt I needed more so paid privately to see a psychotherapist. She’s changed my life. It’s that big and that important. Yes I still have low days and suffer with anxiety, but I also have tools to help me through 
  • Lose the guilt. I see so many people who blame themselves for not being able to live as they were, they feel they’ve become a burden on their families and friends and are no longer worthy of being loved because they can’t cook or clean house or make the school run. This is not our fault, we didn’t ask for this, and guilt is a very destructive and pointless emotion 
  • Friends. It’s so important we make the effort to keep in touch with people. And it’s so hard because depression makes you want to shut out the world, add in fatigue and pain and it’s so very easy not to leave the house. Yes I’ve had to cancel arrangements at the last minute (more guilt) but my friends totally understand and have been amazing. 
  • Leave the house. Isolation becomes a default setting very quickly, especially if like me you can spend days in bed due to fatigue. On better days I consistently  make myself go out. Fresh air, change of scenery and being around people can make such a huge difference, you feel like you are part of the world again 
  • Hobbies keep us feeling productive and get the brain ticking over. Yes, we lose some, I adored cooking and can no longer manage it, but I’ve found others, I do crosswords, write my blog, run my Facebook RA page,  knit on days when my hands allow and have rediscovered a love of reading that I never had time for. 
  • Music! Sing, chair dance, whatever floats your boat but music can really lift your mood when nothing else will 
  • Practice Gratitude. A tip from my therapist which really works. Every night before I go to sleep I run through the things I’m grateful for that day. I found this so hard at first, I would grumpily be grateful for a warm bed and pain meds! But it was a start, and with daily practice it becomes so easy – my friend called, my cat made me laugh, it was sunny, I love my new book, my cleaner has been! You will discover more and more every day. And if on bad days it’s bed and pain meds that’s OK too 
  • Meditation has been a wonderful discovery for me. I started with simple breathing exercises shared in group therapy, found a great meditation app and hit you tube for suggestions. I could do better, on bad days I don’t always practice, but on the days I do it really lifts me 
  • Find Acceptance. It takes some soul searching and a change of thinking but it’s the most important step forward after diagnosis. If you am e constantly hating your body, your illness and what it’s taken from your life you will absolutely feel awful. It was a stupidly simple phrase that did it for me, ‘Don’t ask why me, ask why not me’ 
  • Find your tribe. There are some wonderful online support groups that offer friendship, advice, shared experiences, validation and a safe place to vent when needed! Facebook has some good ones and they are private so your friends/family won’t see your posts. I think I’d have gone crazy without my RA tribe 🙂

    Trying to catch the rain….

    Posted on by SingleRheum

    This may start by sounding a bit egocentric, but sometimes I’m fascinated by the way my mind works! I mean the underlying subconscious thoughts we have, without any kind of input from our conscious self.  Just now and again I catch myself doing something and I stop and think why? And then I realise the why and gently correct myself. 

    I guess it’s a technique I picked up from my CBT course last year, not chastising myself for having thoughts that are unhelpful or incorrect, but gently addressing them and turning them round, hopefully learning as I go. 

    It’s happened this morning with something I posted in a closed group on facebook, I’ve pasted it exactly below…

    Just wanted to share a positive day for a change 🙂
    Finally finished the to do list I started about two months ago, including sorting address changes, closing a couple of accounts and filing a tax return for last year. 
    Huge sense of relief from sorting stuff, I suffer with anxiety and paperwork kicks it off, so I’m really proud of myself for doing this today!

    I shared this for two reasons, mainly because I do feel proud of achieving this, and also because I thought it might help someone else who has similar issues.  I received some lovely responses, saying what an achievement it was, and that I’d done really well to tackle it.  Then ‘it’ occurred to me.

    Why had I shared this in closed groups but not on my own timeline? Let’s be honest, we all like to share our achievements with our friends and family, it’s a lot of what Facebook is.  So why not this?

    I realised almost as soon as I’d asked myself the question what the answer was – sharing this as an achievement meant sharing that I find something as simple as sorting paperwork a struggle. And for me that’s quite a big admission, a weakness if you will.

    I’m someone who had identified myself very closely with my work for a long time, and work meant budgets, spreadsheets, contracts, project management, business analysis, strategic planning and problem solving.  How do I then turn round and admit my brain just doesn’t work in the same way anymore?

    Since my RA/Fibromyalgia symptoms started I’ve been increasingly suffering with ‘brain fog’ – a recognised term amongst those with chronic illness.  It’s like trying to catch a handful of rain, little drops make my grip but the rest eludes my grasp. Words dissappear from my mind at the precise second I want to speak them.  Memory jumps, so I can lose track completely mid sentence. 

    It makes trying to deal with anything that requires concentration difficult.  And once it becomes difficult I become anxious.  And the anxiety affects concentration.  You can see where this leads…..!! Paperwork is bad, having to make phone calls related to it is nigh on impossible. 

    So I procrastinate, I make lists, I shuffle them around. I move papers from one room to another.  I sort them into order, then I sort them again.  Anything but sit down and deal.  And suddenly two or three months have slipped by and I’m annoyed with myself for not getting things done, but no closer to actually doing. 

    What changed yesterday? In simple terms I had a less ‘foggy’ day, the fatigue wasn’t as heavy as usual, the pain was lower for a few hours.  So I used the time, and I’m really glad I did.  It’s like a weight has been lifted, I tend to turn the things I put off into mountains to climb, when in fact a couple of hours with a coffee and the laptop and I was slowly but surely caught up. 

    So, going back to my starting point here, I have been kind to myself this morning.  Yes I did well yesterday, and I should feel proud.  And that means feeling proud ‘out here in the real world’,  where if I’m honest no one who matters is going to think any less of me, and anyone who has suffered with brain fog &/or anxiety will understand completely. 

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    Falling into Fall…..

    Posted on by SingleRheum

    Where to start? I’ve not posted in a few weeks, partly because of moving into my own place at last ☺ but also because I’ve been sliding into a dark place mentally.  It’s kind of ironic to think you’ve hit the bottom then find actually there’s a way further to fall. 

    So here I am, I promised myself when I started this blog I would always be honest, and being an advocate of openness about mental health it would be hypocritical to hide my own black spaces.  This is tough both to put out there, and to put into words, but bear with me…..

    I think most people with chronic illness are probably aware of the pain cycle, but in it’s simplest terms….

    (pain = low mood = depression =  increased pain = lack sleep = fatigue = low mood = pain)

    …. our thoughts and feelings can very much affect how we feel physically, and vice versa. 

    These happen in no particular order, but each symptom impacts the next, so the pain felt increases, and the mood lowers further.  This is not to say for a moment the pain is not real, but that our perception of its impact on our lives affects it’s actual impact. 

    I had high hopes (perhaps too high) that once I’d moved into my new place I would suddenly start to feel better, logic would certainly dictate that being homeless was a stressor, which has been removed.  Instead, I’ve been almost free-falling.  Thankfully I’ve learnt to recognise over the past three years or so when my mood is dipping, and after a bad anxiety attack yesterday, (and some prompting from my online RA family – thank you squeakers) I made an emergency appointment with my lovely GP this evening. 

    “I don’t know how to do this anymore” were my first words to her.  Thankfully she wasn’t phased by this, she knows me pretty well.  I had just reached a very dark place where all I could see is pain and exhaustion forever, and  I don’t know how to live with that – thinking about it now I doubt anyone could, that’s a pretty bleak outlook.  Fortunately somewhere deep inside I am fully aware that depression is a huge LIAR. 

    So next steps…  Improve mood, to improve sleep, to improve energy, to improve mood….  You get the picture. Doesn’t it sound easy, especially as my condition causes fatigue!  This is going to mean a change in anti depressant as these are no longer working for me, and this indicates a few weeks of me being a basket case, but I know it will pass.  I ask forgiveness in advance if you meet this slightly deranged me 😈

    The pain will hopefully be dealt with at least in part by my rheumatologist next week, I strongly suspect I have fibromyalgia as well as RA, but that will be diagnosed or not and treated as well as we can. 

    I have so many medical appointments over the next month it’s crazy, between the GP, rheumatologist, hand physio, general physio, hydrotherapy, musculoskeletal physio, blood tests, and pain management psychologist I’m busy! Yet I will be making a call tomorrow to add on one more, to access some talking therapy (CBT) so I’m doing all I can to support my return to a strong place mentally and physically in time.  I have nothing but praise for our fabulous NHS, I’m so grateful for the very thorough support.

    As an aside tonight I have done something I’d not realised I’d stopped doing, and that’s listen to music. I don’t think I’ve put a CD on since June, which is really unusual for me, music has always been so important to me. I’ve been digging through my collection, hitting the volume up and simply listening, after about three hours of some of my favourite chilled tunes I’m feeling almost purged, though I suspect admitting I need help has helped hugely. 

    Please, if you are reading this and feel in any way you recognise yourself, reach out, help is there.

    Love & light as always 💙

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    Walking the Maze

    Posted on by SingleRheum

    Today I had some news that left me for a while feeling almost enraged.  I wanted to scream, shout, punch something, shout at the world and tear down walls. 

    It’s a delay in my housing, which whilst frustrating isn’t the end of the world.  However my mind had got used to planning for moving in the next fortnight, now it could be over a month.  Hence the instantaneous combustion!

    I know myself pretty well, so I just gave my head a few hours to shut down and process, I usually hit a TV show so on the surface I’m distracted but behind the scenes my brain does its thing.  I know the reason for my almost ‘fight or flight’ response, and it’s very simply down to a lack of control. 

    I have spent a lot of time as an adult managing things, I naturally pick up projects whether at home or work and run with them, because that way I can influence the timescales, the strategy, the outcome.  Interestingly the same applies to my frustration with RA, it is the feeling of a complete lack of control that sometimes makes me want to just shut out the world and not deal, after all what’s the point if I can’t make a difference?

    I could almost describe this last few months as being in a maze.  I’ve felt trapped and lost, taken turnings that have given me hope only to run straight into dead ends.  No wonder my poor mind just wants to hide under the duvet, this is hard work! It’s as if the walls of this maze are designed to give me tantalising glimpses of the outside world where ‘normal’ lives, just as I turn the next corner into a dead end or another junction.

    However… I have no intention of giving up. Yes this has been tough, my housing is still unresolved and my RA still flares constantly.  I’ve had added tentative diagnosis of either fibromyalgia/ME, and as I’ve mentioned before I find the demon fatigue the biggest battle of all.  But my only option is to keep moving.  I make the decisions to go left or right, and if I run into those walls I turn around and keep on walking.  Every maze has an exit, I will slowly but surely find the way towards mine. 

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    Facing the Thief that is RA

    Posted on by SingleRheum

    I have avoided writing about this so far because it feels like a failure, in fact the biggest failure of my life.  But I promised myself when I started this blog it would be honest, in the hope that maybe it could help others, so here goes. 

    RA has already stolen so much from me in such a short time,  my dexterity, my mobility, my ability to work currently, the pain free existence I took for granted and the energy to get through each day. 

    Unfortunately the thief that is RA is this week taking my home. 

    Homelessness (there, I said it) has always been a distant thing that happens to other people.  I donate now and again and I empathise, but it’s not been something that belonged in my world, it could certainly never happen to me.  Oh the arrogance.

    I was very fortunate, I grew up in a middle class home, my parents instilled a strong work ethic, and I’ve been employed all of my adult life.  I’ve paid my way,  and over the last few years have enjoyed a good standard of living as I have been successful in my career. I lived from month to month, I wasn’t short, if I wanted things I bought them (within reason – cappuccino, meals out, new lipstick, manicures). Like many people it never occurred to me this could suddenly all fall down.  I had no savings, why would I? I’m single, no family to support, no children to leave things to, life’s too short, enjoy it while you’ve got it right?

    Then I started feeling ill.  At first non specific malaise, then full blown RA.  Fast forward six months and I have to admit I just cannot work.  Between the chronic fatigue and the joint pain I was not capable of doing my job and being effective.  And that’s when it all fell down.  Going from a good salary to statutory sick pay overnight is financially devastating.  And I had no cushion. 

    One month I could meet my outgoings, the next I couldn’t, very basic math. I’ve accessed benefits, but they unsurprisingly don’t cover the luxury of me as a single person living in a detached 3 bedroom bungalow. A combination of circumstance and timing have led to me having to be out of my rental by 14th June.  It’s really hit me today, I have one week left in my home.

    I’ve been trying to source alternative smaller accommodation for weeks, it seems I’ve come up against a shortfall locally in the letting market.  Add to that my need for an apartment with either ground floor or a lift as I am now on crutches because of my hip and it gets difficult.  Throw in my two cats, even more so. 

    I have turned down somewhere this week because it was first floor and no pets.  I though seriously about taking it, beggars can’t be choosers right? But then I had a meltdown.  There is just no way the RA thief is stealing my cats too. 

    I have spent the last two months at home ill, this has exacerbated my depression so badly additional meds have been added in, and thankfully they are helping.  But my cats are my company, my family and my therapy.  We three are a unit.  For my mental health they do untold good, even the thought of losing them causes immediate anxiety. 

    So I go into this last week in my house with a large dose of stress and trepidation.  I literally do not know where I will be sleeping in a weeks time.  But I do know wherever it is, my fur babies will be right there with me.

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    Poem – Count

    Posted on by SingleRheum

    When the pain is so bad and you’re wanting to die, count the good stuff.

    When your heartbeat betrays you by beating on regardless, when your breath keeps on coming in between sobs of pain, count the good stuff.

    When the view is so bleak and the clouds are so black, when the rain and the cold and the pain knock you down, when you feel like a long distant shore may be home, because being pain free would beat being alone, count the good stuff.

    When the tablets are calling and sleep is your friend, count the good stuff.

    When the night is too long and the days never ending, when the bottle’s a friend and it doesn’t judge. When the bitter black anger screams this isn’t fair, this isn’t my life, I didn’t chose here. Count the good stuff.

    In the worst of your pain you’re never truly alone, that’s the good stuff.

    When you’re angry and wanting to scream at the day, when your damned limbs betray you and get in your way, when the pain is a physical beast that you fight, that tears it’s way inside your head deep at night, it’s the love that clings on and gives strength to your fight – that’s the good stuff.

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