Today I had some news that left me for a while feeling almost enraged. I wanted to scream, shout, punch something, shout at the world and tear down walls.
It’s a delay in my housing, which whilst frustrating isn’t the end of the world. However my mind had got used to planning for moving in the next fortnight, now it could be over a month. Hence the instantaneous combustion!
I know myself pretty well, so I just gave my head a few hours to shut down and process, I usually hit a TV show so on the surface I’m distracted but behind the scenes my brain does its thing. I know the reason for my almost ‘fight or flight’ response, and it’s very simply down to a lack of control.
I have spent a lot of time as an adult managing things, I naturally pick up projects whether at home or work and run with them, because that way I can influence the timescales, the strategy, the outcome. Interestingly the same applies to my frustration with RA, it is the feeling of a complete lack of control that sometimes makes me want to just shut out the world and not deal, after all what’s the point if I can’t make a difference?
I could almost describe this last few months as being in a maze. I’ve felt trapped and lost, taken turnings that have given me hope only to run straight into dead ends. No wonder my poor mind just wants to hide under the duvet, this is hard work! It’s as if the walls of this maze are designed to give me tantalising glimpses of the outside world where ‘normal’ lives, just as I turn the next corner into a dead end or another junction.
However… I have no intention of giving up. Yes this has been tough, my housing is still unresolved and my RA still flares constantly. I’ve had added tentative diagnosis of either fibromyalgia/ME, and as I’ve mentioned before I find the demon fatigue the biggest battle of all. But my only option is to keep moving. I make the decisions to go left or right, and if I run into those walls I turn around and keep on walking. Every maze has an exit, I will slowly but surely find the way towards mine.