The Loss of Me

The weather is matching my mood this morning.  It’s dark and raining heavily and the wind is howling.  Much like inside my head today.

I occasionally get melancholic, it doesn’t last for long but it was here to greet me when I woke up this morning and it will probably stick around for the day.

I just feel a little overwhelmed.  I know this will pass, that it’s actually part of my mental process, I sometimes deal with things by diving into the sadness then finding the positives as my way out.

I know this has been brought on by RA, and the impact it’s currently having on my life.  It’s fair to say the last time I went through this much of a life change I was getting divorced.  And I wanted that!

What makes this harder is that I’m not feeling in control, RA is.  That’s very hard for me.  In simple terms RA impacts my health; impacts my ability to work; impacts my finances; impacts my accommodation; etc, you get the the picture.

I am currently under notice on my rental home, that makes this very real.  But it’s not about bricks and mortar, it’s about loss and grieving.  It’s very likely RA will impact on the rest of my life, as an independent female that grates a lot.

It has already taken my previous pain free existence, my social life, my enjoyment of silly alcoholic drinks on occasion, smoking (not a bad thing),  my gym membership, my working routine, my enjoyment in driving, and my enjoyment in cooking.  It’s also taken away my ability to employ a cleaner which frankly is a disaster!

Will I overcome these losses? Of course.  I will learn to find alternative things to fill my life, learn hacks to make things like cooking easier, learn to turn the losses into positives and make that climb back to ‘normal’.

But today, today I’m grieving and I’m ok with that.

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6 thoughts on “The Loss of Me

  1. Don’t let the RA control you. I know its easier to say believe me, I’ve been there had people say that to me. There will come a time where you refuse to let it control you. Where you start getting your life back, you just need to be good to yourself in the meantime. Stay strong and look out for the sunshine

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your grieving for the loss of you. You have lost who you was and you need to find the new you with RA and feel comfortable. Its not easy, you will cry, scream, get angry and deny it but acceptance is the way forward. As soon as I accepted it wasn’t going anywhere and that this was my life things got easier. It took me over 6 years to get to that stage, but keep searching for the sunshine, it will help you through.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand the “losing me” all too well, I lost me a while ago now and I think I am just now beginning to feel the real effects it is having on my life. Support systems are so important I hope you have a great one !!!! Thank you for posting

    Liked by 1 person

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