The weather is matching my mood this morning. It’s dark and raining heavily and the wind is howling. Much like inside my head today.
I occasionally get melancholic, it doesn’t last for long but it was here to greet me when I woke up this morning and it will probably stick around for the day.
I just feel a little overwhelmed. I know this will pass, that it’s actually part of my mental process, I sometimes deal with things by diving into the sadness then finding the positives as my way out.
I know this has been brought on by RA, and the impact it’s currently having on my life. It’s fair to say the last time I went through this much of a life change I was getting divorced. And I wanted that!
What makes this harder is that I’m not feeling in control, RA is. That’s very hard for me. In simple terms RA impacts my health; impacts my ability to work; impacts my finances; impacts my accommodation; etc, you get the the picture.
I am currently under notice on my rental home, that makes this very real. But it’s not about bricks and mortar, it’s about loss and grieving. It’s very likely RA will impact on the rest of my life, as an independent female that grates a lot.
It has already taken my previous pain free existence, my social life, my enjoyment of silly alcoholic drinks on occasion, smoking (not a bad thing), my gym membership, my working routine, my enjoyment in driving, and my enjoyment in cooking. It’s also taken away my ability to employ a cleaner which frankly is a disaster!
Will I overcome these losses? Of course. I will learn to find alternative things to fill my life, learn hacks to make things like cooking easier, learn to turn the losses into positives and make that climb back to ‘normal’.
But today, today I’m grieving and I’m ok with that.