I don’t know where to start this evening, I just feel a need to write. A lovely old fashioned expression comes to mind, “I’m feeling out of sorts”. It just seems to fit. I feel restless and fidgety and fed up and exhausted all at once. Plus it’s 3am. 3am is always introspective time, ask anyone who doesn’t sleep well!
If I lay it out the last two months look like this – Rheumatoid Disease diagnosis, chemotherapy drugs & steroids, chronic fatigue, pain & inflammation, painsomnia, too ill to work, no income, depression & anxiety recurring. Add in homeless in 5 weeks and that about covers it.
I guess if there’s a time in my life to feel out of sorts now is it. The biggest frustration is I’m a fighter, always have been, I fix things. And I just don’t have the energy. I spent yesterday packing up boxes ready to move at a very slow and steady pace. Then I lost 80% of today to sleep because I was so exhausted. That’s what this does, and it’s the hardest part of this illness for me to accept.
I totally understand the spoon theory, I have a limited amount of energy per day, and once I use it it’s gone. Period. If I push myself I steal spoons from the next day.
I’m just finding it really difficult to accept how low my daily ration of spoons is, and how quickly they become used. I packed 7 boxes of books (yes I have a lot, no I can’t get rid of them!). That would have been an hours work last time I moved, instead it took me 5 hours with breaks. And it seems that was still too much.
I commented as part of a discussion recently that the existing spoon theory felt right to me, but the energy used for tasks felt wrong, for example a days work as 3 spoons and prepping a meal as 2 spoons – this doesn’t equate for me at all. Someone suggested I write up my own spoon chart, perhaps I should make that my task for tomorrow. Along with maybe 3 boxes of packing!
I think more importantly tomorrow I need to use some time to work out three things. What needs doing, what I can realistically do by myself and what I will need help with. I have to start accepting I can’t do it on my own, and that means asking for help, bit of an anathema to me!
That more than anything else is probably behind my out of sorts moment, I worry that if I ask too much I will be a nuisance and eventually a burden. People say “if you need help call me” but do they mean shifting boxes of books from my lounge to my garage? I guess there’s only one way to find out…….
If by any chance you’ve not read the Spoon Theory, the link is below: