Fighting talk!

I’ve actually been pondering this post for a few weeks, and just couldn’t think how to start it without sounding like I’ve got a severe case of sour grapes.  I haven’t, honest!

I am simply finding I get, possibly irrationally, annoyed at people on RA forums who do the fighting talk thing.  You know the ones, I saw a classic today, it went something like “well I’ve run two marathons, been skiing and worked all week, I’m not letting RA beat me, you have to fight!”.

On the surface you’d think that was great yes? And I’m truly happy for anyone with RA who manages to exercise well and live a comparatively normal life. 

Unfortunately, every time I see this kind of post I get cross.  The anger is a defence mechanism, because what my mind reads into the words “you have to fight” is a stream of unhelpful thoughts…. ohmygod I’m not trying hard enough, I’m too weak, I’m letting RA beat me, I’m just useless.

Because I’ve done some basic CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) I can recognise these thoughts when they happen, and I then gently challenge them.  So the conversation in my head goes something like this…

I’m not trying hard enough…... OK. You are taking your meds, you are following your doctors advice.  You are learning to pace yourself.  You are reaching out for help.  What else could you do? Hmm, yes, I’ve done my best! ✔

I’m too weak…. No, you have a diagnosed chronic illness, and an additional diagnosis pending.  Both cause chronic fatigue.  You’ve got this far, you can do this.  Hmmmm..  OK, one day at a time!

I’m letting RA beat me….. Hang on, this has been one of toughest periods of your life, you’re still rocking up every day, you’re keeping hold of your sense of humour and you’ve made some fantastic RA friends.  Hmmmm… Not exactly quit, have I!

I’m just useless. Not at all.  Since day one of your diagnosis you’ve worked hard to become an informed patient and an advocate for others with RA.  Strangers have thanked you for support.  You really are useful, and you can grow this as and when you are able. Hmmm patient advocacy is something that interests me!

What you need to bear in mind is that this all takes place in nano seconds,  the anger response, the gentle challenge, the positive replacement.  But it happens (or something like it) every single time I see an RA patient say  “oh you mustn’t give in, I do three jobs, raise the kids and run yoga classes in my spare time”

I’m hoping this isn’t coming across as a whinge, it certainly isn’t intended! I guess what I would really like is for people to be a little bit more careful with their use of language, and show some consideration. Something I strongly believe having talked with hundreds of people over the past few months is that every RA patient has to work to find their own new normal, within the limitations of their symptoms. 

So whilst I am genuinely happy to cheer on patients who have milder RA, and can still hop skip and jump, please bear in mind those of us who struggle just to sit up, get up and walk.  We are fighting just as hard to get through, just in different ways with different goals.

I’m trying too, honest!

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5 thoughts on “Fighting talk!

  1. So often these comments are made with the best of intentions.
    Sadly for many they do the exact opposite.
    They also mean, if spotted by family or friends, you can then get – if they can do this, so can you.
    That makes it unhelpful, and people don’t understand (including sadly many of those with RA who make these comments), that a one size doesn’t fit all. Not only is this damn disease complex, so are treatments and how people can respond to those treatments. And that often, what might work now can often just stop working in the future.

    I’m fortunate in that I just allow this kind of thing to roll off my back, but I know for many others it’s upsetting and causes harm.
    We do fight. Each one of us. From the moment we wake up. The sooner people begin to realise the distinction the better, and posts like this will continue to help show – we are all different, and we are all human. Respecting that will help us far more.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are definitely not alone. I agree that the inferences we take away are ours to own, and appreciate how you detailed what a mental exercise it is to keep a healthy perspective. Depression and anxiety go hadn in hand with RA and

    Liked by 1 person

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